Being bad at mathematics comes back to haunt me 

If there is ever a situation where I am helping you do math in my head, let me go ahead and confess that I’m just pretending. 

The brain meat rattling in my perfectly sculpted head bones is not capable of doing that out of thin air. In spur-of-the-moment mathematics, you are completely on your own. And don’t even think about introducing a fraction to the equation. That kind of function will require paper, pencil and a pot of coffee, possibly call in a professional. 

It’s a curse, I know, but you can’t be good looking and smart – it’s just not natural. 

My family likes to play this little game where a math problem is proposed and they all watch me sweat trying to figure out the answer. Eventually, after the rusty gears of my noggin spin too long, I naturally give the wrong answer and am ridiculed by people more gifted with numbers than I. 

The joke’s on them though; I’m the only one who knows how to change the wifi password. 

So I was shocked when I was recently tasked to help with some math homework. Apparently they teach advanced calculus to grade schoolers now? It might as well have been advanced calculus. 

I once failed a calculus class in college. Why was I, a future prattler of words, taking high level mathematics? By taking the advice of a terrible advisor, and poor judgement on my part, that’s why. I was also enrolled in physics for some reason. 

The short version of this story is that I almost became a college flunky. The long version is I dropped the science course out of necessity, but was forced to maintain enrollment in the calculus course to remain a full-time student. I confessed my plight to the professor, a friendly, old man who assured me that if I at least came to class and tried my best he would pass me with a C. 

And we all know Cs get degrees. 

To my horror the jolly, understanding instructor who gave out passing grades for attendance disappeared by Christmas break. He was replaced by his academic opposite – a shrewd doctor of numbers who demanded precision and conceptual understanding, not to mention that all work be shown. 

So I got what I deserved, an F, and was forced to enroll in night school at the community college to get my grades up. And no more math. It was all humanities studies for this guy.  

What of my child who besought my assistance? To be honest, I thought I actually understood the material and delivered some grade A parenting. However, that assignment was doomed to be repeated, and I think I owe a math teacher an apology card. 

I don’t think I’ll be asked to do math any time soon.